A new morning routine you say? The answer to health, wealth and wellbeing in 12 easy steps? What do I do? What do I need? Where do I buy it? Get out of my way already and let me at the good stuff!
Mouth tape, celery juice, red light, coconut oil, tongue scraping, gua sha, double cleansing, cold showers, castor oil, gratitude, 10k steps, morning pages, ice baths, sun salutations, journalling (we’re still journalling right…?), mushrooms, sea moss, gut health, seed cycling, meditation, 30 grams of protein for breakfast (I mean, that’s just basics guys), weights (#winterarc), charcoal, biohacking, bee pollen, apple cider vinegar and what do you mean you’re not covering your entire body in beef tallow in 2025?
Not sure you can fit even half of that in before breakfast? Then you’re not trying hard enough! Where’s your positive thinking? Where’s your growth mindset? Who even are you? Anyone who is anyone has this shit nailed by 7am.
Hey, look, if you found yourself clicking through to read this because you’re seeking answers…I get it. If you clicked through looking for a hate read… I also get it. If you’re just curious about what goes on in other people’s lives… I totally, totally get it. I can’t get enough of other people’s morning routines. And I’m forever wondering if I’m just getting it wrong here… maybe mouth tape would revolutionise my life? Maybe I would feel better if I started each day with an ice bath? Could it be that another 30g of protein is all that lies between me and not being flipping knackered come 4pm? Perhaps the answer to everything really is just getting up at dawn and gargling with coconut oil?
Or perhaps the answer to everything is deleting the entire internet because the wellness WORLD HAS GONE MAD?!
Anyone who’s watched the new and totally brilliant Apple Cider Vinegar on Netflix might want to argue that it always has been! If you haven’t seen it yet, do put this dramatisation of the story of Aussie influencer Belle Gibson’s wellness cancer scam firmly on your watch list.
But I digress because as good as that show is, that was then and this is now and now is showing no signs of an end to the madness (just google the Lion Diet, people!). As much as I love finding new ways to make life better, brighter and more magical… I’m definitely more of a one thing at a time kind of girl. And a firm no thanks to the raw steak kind of girl. And, just, well… anyway…let’s get into it…
The other day I found myself watching and rewatching – I dread to think how much I might have singlehandedly helped that reel go viral – one influencer’s morning routine in disbelief. It started with a collagen mask and mouth tape and ended (two hours later) with raw milk smoothies for the kids and a mirror selfie… via oil pulling, cold showers and THOUSANDS of pounds worth of wellness tech.
I’m definitely not someone who is comfortable criticising other women’s life choices (you do you, beef tallow and all, I say) and I’ve agonised over whether I should share the link I’m talking about here (I’m thinking no unless you all tell me otherwise. In fact, maybe this is the point of the Substack paywall so I can share everything with a select group of people and not get cancelled for being a hater???) and I know I should just get off the flipping internet but I also think someone has to call this what it actually is… absolute bullshit click bait.
I’d be fascinated to be proved wrong here but, seriously, no one, NO ONE, is getting up at 5am every single day to tick off a wellness routine so long and complicated it takes 120 minutes to complete. It’d be an achievement to nail it once or twice a week. And I don’t think I’m just being lame or reductive or limited in my thinking here.
I don’t have a home vibration plate or a red light box or some weird stuff to inject into myself or a fancy reverse osmosis filtered water machine so I can’t test out the specifics of this particular ‘reel routine’ myself, but I don’t see how the timing even adds up. Never mind timing plus also having to film yourself completing each beautifully lit step with a smile on your face. And I don’t believe any mother of raw-milk-smoothie-drinking children could manage to get through even one hour of intensely focussed wellness every morning without someone interrupting them because they woke up early or wanted to join in. But, if I’m wrong, and this is a legit daily deal for the person in question, I have nothing but respect for someone who can move seamlessly from shower to skincare to mould-free artisan coffee without finding themselves distracted by a dishwasher that needs unloading or a pile of discarded socks. See my previous post.
And look, maybe all this is obvious. Maybe we’re meant to be in on the joke? I’m not saying I don’t believe this influencer uses all the things shared in that morning routine reel. I totally believe she does. I also believe she finds them beneficial and genuinely wants to share those benefits with others. I don’t even think she’s doing anything wrong. There are no obvious Belle Gibson red flags going on here. It’s just all so bloody excessive. Perhaps there’s an undeclared assumption that she’s not actually doing all those things, every single morning, every single day? Maybe there’s a disclaimer I missed? But I don’t think so. I don’t think it’s that obvious.
I think it’s much more likely that there’s a calculated awareness that putting together an unachievable and intense morning routine filled with niche tech and skincare before filming it with exact timings will raise the kind of eyebrows that generate serious algorithm action. I mean that is the whole point of being an influencer. In fact, maybe I shouldn’t be worrying about sharing a link here because more eyes on reels is always the ultimate influencer goal and a bit of beef with a lowly author on the internet would probably hit the fresh new content spot too.
Argh… it’s not even that I’ve got beef (sorry I appear to be talking like one of my teen daughters here!). I’m genuinely fascinated by it all and I’d hate to get blocked and not get to watch the next level of wellness crazy unfold. I love wellness crazy. If I had all the time and the money in the world I’d probably be wellness crazy. I want to know what the answer to feeling good, looking good and becoming optimally productive is just as much as the next person. I just hate the idea that anyone is watching this stuff and thinking that they’re the problem.
Because I’ve watched plenty of this stuff and concluded that I’m the problem.
And I should know better.
I’ve worked as a writer/journalist since I left university. My brain is primed to analyse, think critically and contemplate everything from every angle. And yet despite that there is a part of me that reads a feature on a new supplement or juice fast (or watches a reel about morning routines) and thinks… ooo maybe I should try it. Maybe this is the solution! Maybe this will change everything!
It figures then that there are plenty of people out there whose jobs do not require them to over-analyse everything they watch/read/see who might be less questioning when it comes to lengthy morning routines and IV vitamin drips and expensive facial oils. There might be some people out there who feel like they’re failing because they don’t eat organic all the time, and they can’t get their hands on any raw mil,k and they don’t have the time or energy to get up early because they’re exhausted with life and kids and jobs that don’t involve advertising bone broth on Instagram.
I wasn’t lying when I said I love a bit of wellness crazy. But I don’t like that ‘morning routine’ reels like this don’t come with a disclaimer. And that they tap into the parts of us that feel like we’re lacking or failing or not good enough. And that they’re so deeply unrealistic, unaffordable and unachievable for normal people with normal lives. I don’t like the way the word wellness has been co-opted to just mean flogging more stuff to (mostly) women to fulfil some F-d up ideal the world has put upon them. Be better, be cleaner, be healthier, be calmer, be shiner, be smoother, be younger, be fresher, be thinner, be stronger, be more well. Wellness is out of control and I hate that exposure to these sorts of routines and regimens can leave people feeling less than when the whole point of wellness is surely to feel more than.
And, well, I just don’t believe the reels are real. Until someone tells me otherwise I’m going to maintain that even the people filming and promoting and getting their angles just right to silhouette against the sunrise also don’t have the time or energy to complete all those steps on a daily basis.
Even Gwyneth Paltrow gives herself a day off occasionally.
And that leads me on to my actual morning routine… which would never gather 100k likes on instagram because it’s entirely pedestrian. You might even want to stop reading now because there is nothing to see here.
7am - I hit the snooze button on my phone alarm with absolute precision and commitment every single morning. Is there a market for a self help book entitled Snooze.
7.10am - I get up and put the kettle on. On a good day I might drink a glass of unfiltered chemical-filled south east water direct from the tap.
7.15am - I help one daughter get her stuff together for school. She’s pretty organised, and could probably film a morning routine reel you’d actually want to watch, so it doesn’t involve too much work on my part. Homework reminders. Finding tights without holes. Filling a water bottle. Packing a few snacks.
7.20am - Probably reboil the kettle because I left it to go cold amid the tights hunt. Unload and reload the dishwasher (while totally appreciating the fact that no one would film such monotony for a morning routine reel). Make Yorkshire Tea. That’s my one chance for a brand deal right there!
7.30am - Check my other daughter has woken up by calling her on the mobile phone she probably sleeps with in her hand. Make her a packed lunch. Sometimes make her breakfast. Sometimes with 30g of protein because the kids ain’t immune to the wellness schtick. Drink the Yorkshire Tea. Check the diary. Feed the cat. Clean the kitchen surfaces with a cleaner that claims to be non toxic but is probably slowly poisoning us all.
7.40am - If I’m leaving the house or have an important zoom meeting this is where I’d fit in a high speed shower. I don’t use the body brush I own because I don’t have time. I don’t use many things I own because I don’t have time. If I’m not exiting the building I hold off on the shower and just brush my hair, teeth and splash a bit of water on my face. I do actually have a fancy Tatcha moisturiser so I would apply this here (for anyone interested in my skincare regime…lol). Touch of make up most days… Charlotte Tilbury concealer, Hourglass mascara, Rare Beauty blush, Tatcha tinted lip mask. Non meeting days = shower later… or in all honesty, sometimes I don’t get round to it at all. I also wear clothes and would apply them now.
7.55am - Ha. My timings don’t even add up because if I’ve washed my hair and want to dry it there’s no way I managed all that in fifteen minutes. But yeah… my first truly wellness vibe activity would come in now… Morning walk if there’s nowhere to get to or be. I’ve absorbed that 10k shizzle into my soul.
8.40am - Stop by a supermarket for supplies (this house can never have enough avocados, tomatoes, blueberries, Total Greek yoghurt, eggs and bread) and head home to turn on the laptop. Might have a ginger or turmeric shot if I have some in the fridge… because I bought into that trend at some point and genuinely discovered I like them!
9am - More tea. Emails. Work. Writing. Endless tasks of the household/school/life admin variety. Endless distractions of the laundry/doorbell/delivery/What’s App/forgotten meeting variety.
9.45am - Breakfast. Quite often egg based. Or yoghurt based. Or avocado based. Maybe I’m the reason we constantly need supplies.
10am - Probably have some more tea while staring into the middle distance.
So yeah, no one is going to want to see a reel of that anytime soon. Or maybe they would…? Maybe what we all really need to see is normal people doing normal things in a normal amount of time of a morning. I mean, I’m impressed with people who manage to style their hair and exercise… I’d hit the like button for that, especially if they show me the inside of their fridge.
Like I said, I am not immune to wellness marketing or influencing. I’m a lover not a hater deep down. I’ve had phases where I got up earlier to meditate. I once spent months doing the morning pages thing. I was heavily into green smoothies back when green smoothies were The Thing. I’ve turned my shower to cold. I’ve done my fair share of morning runs. And anyone who’s read A Year of Mystical Thinking knows I devoted an entire year to exploring the mystical world. It’s not like I’ve never tried to add more optimisation to the start of my days. It’s just that there’s always something else that takes priority because life keeps on life-ing. And that’s my choice or my failing depending on which way you look at it. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care about myself or my health or my wellbeing.
It’s just reality. And there’s magic in reality just as soon as you look for it. There’s magic in the dawn of a brand new day no matter what you do with the start of it. There’s magic in a cup of tea (or coffee) brewed to perfection. And there’s magic in living the life that’s right there in front of you. In repeating daily tasks because they need to be done. In taking your time because that’s what you need. In doing something you love just because you want to. In doing what’s good for you because you know it’ll make a difference. In knowing that you’re good enough just as you are. In staying open and interested but remembering to question the strange stuff you see on the internet. Because you don’t need a red light box or a vibration plate or an NAD injection or filtered water to live a good life.
And you definitely don’t need to get up at 5am. Not if you don’t want to.
The most ironic part is that *not* getting up at 5am and getting a full night sleep is probably the best wellness routine you can have 😅
This is so brilliant Emma! And personally I think your morning routine reel would go viral! For all the right reasons!!! ❤️